Couples Therapy with Trauma

How is doing couples therapy with trauma different from regular couples therapy? The difference is in the understanding and the pacing.

People who have experienced relational trauma, whether that’s from their life growing up, or from past or current romantic relationships, have good reason why their brains will go to extra lengths to keep them safe.

Imagine you experienced the trauma of an affair. Something terrible happened without you knowing it was happening. Doesn’t it make sense that your brain would become hypervigilant to any sign or signal that the same thing could be happening again?

Imagine you grew up with a parent who believed that you would be the most successful if you obeyed their demands, or took care of their emotional needs. Wouldn’t it make sense that there would be a rapid assessment of if your partner is trying to control you, regardless of your own feelings and needs?

One prevalent element of trauma is someone not being believed at a crucial time about something bad that happened to them. That can understandably result in someone in session becoming concerned or even panicked that their partner or their therapist is not hearing them or believing them.

EFT therapists work hard to slow down the pacing and help each partner feel heard. Couples work is always a balance of staying in that middle point, helping both people feel heard and understood, and going slowly becomes crucial when people have not had safe environments in the past. Your therapist will assuredly make mistakes, because the beautiful and painful reality of all relationship is that we are all of us imperfect in relating. The good news, to quote our founder, is that “the repair is more potent than the injury,” and EFT therapists care deeply about repair.

If you’re interested in which of our therapists may be a good fit, see our team page.